First date questions when you want something serious
A first date isn't an interview. Ask questions you're genuinely curious about. Listen to the answers and share your own. You can talk about values and the future without trying to figure everything out in one meeting.
In short
- Ask questions you want to hear the answers to, not questions from a checklist.
- You can talk about values and the future without covering everything at once.
- In a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, pairs answering 36 gradually deeper questions reported feeling closer.
- Detailed questions about children, money and where to live can wait until later dates.
The principle: go deeper gradually
In 1997 Arthur Aron and colleagues published a study of 36 questions that deepen gradually, from light topics to more personal ones. Pairs of strangers who answered them reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk. The lesson for a date: start light, and go deeper as you both feel comfortable.
Questions that open a conversation
- What does a good day look like for you?
- What do you do, and what do you enjoy most about it?
- What's something you've done lately that you're proud of?
- Where would you love to travel, and why?
Questions about values and what matters
- What did you learn from the family you grew up in? Is there anything you'd do differently?
- Who are the most important people in your life today?
- What are you hoping to find in a serious relationship?
- How do you picture your life in five years?
What to save for later dates
Children (how many and when), money, where to live, faith and tradition, and extended family are worth talking about if you're thinking about marriage. But going through them all on a first date can feel like a test. A second or third date may be a better time, once you're more comfortable. Questions for each stage, in the guide to dating for marriage.
A few more tips
- Really listen. One good follow-up question is worth ten new ones.
- Talk about yourself too. A conversation goes both ways.
- One question for yourself at the end: would I like to meet this person again? That is enough for now.
How La'ad helps before the first date
La'ad uses the Jewish approach to matchmaking, and anyone can join. An AI matchmaker gets to know you through a conversation about your values and what you want. It suggests one introduction at a time, with a reason to meet. Religious and community matching rules still apply, including no matches between Jewish and non-Jewish members.
Questions
What should you talk about on a first date?
Start with everyday things: what a good day looks like, work, interests and people who matter. Ask follow-up questions when something catches your attention. You can talk about values if it feels natural.
Is it OK to ask about children on a first date?
Yes. You can say you want a family. You don't need to settle the details right away. Questions about how many children, money and where to live may fit better on a second or third date.
What are the 36 questions?
They come from a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues. The 36 questions go from light topics to more personal ones. In the study, strangers who answered them reported feeling closer than those who made small talk.
Want to try a shidduch the La'ad way?
Start with a conversation, then meet one person at a time. Open to everyone, and joining is free.