How to find a life partner for a serious relationship
Start by getting clear on the life you want to build. Then meet people who want something similar. You don't need a long checklist or endless first dates. You need to know what matters, where to look, and when it is worth meeting again.
In short
- Decide what kind of life you want to build before making a list of partner preferences.
- Tell friends and family you're looking, and spend time where people share your intentions.
- Keep your must-haves short. Be more flexible about preferences like hobbies or looks.
- The Harvard Study of Adult Development points to close relationships, not money or fame, as central to happiness and health.
Why it is worth the effort
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed its participants since 1938, reached a simple conclusion: close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Its director, Robert Waldinger, put it this way: "The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80." Looking for a life partner is not a luxury; it is one of the most important decisions you will make.
Step 1: Decide what you want to build
Before asking who you want to meet, think about the life you want. Do you want children, and when? Where would you like to live? What place do family, work, faith and tradition have in your life? These questions help you see whether you want the same future.
Make two short lists. One is for things you need: shared values, wanting a family, reliability and how someone treats others. The other is for preferences like hobbies, looks and height. Take the first list seriously. Be flexible about the second.
Step 2: Be in the right places
- Tell people you are looking. Friends, family and colleagues can't suggest anyone if they don't know.
- Widen your circles. Try a course, volunteering, community events or anything you enjoy doing with other people.
- Choose one app that fits your intent. According to the Pew Research Center, about 3 in 10 US adults have used a dating site or app, and among partnered adults under 30, one in five met their partner that way. If you use one, choose a place where people are looking for the same kind of relationship.
Step 3: Date with intent
If you want to build a family, you can say so. Ask about values and future plans in the first few dates. Pay attention to how you feel around the person, not just the first spark. You can keep things relaxed and still be clear about what you want. Questions for a first date.
And if you are past 30?
You are not alone. In Israel, the average age at first marriage among Jews in 2023 was about 27 for men and 25 for women, but the average hides huge gaps: among men aged 25 to 29, the share never married ranges from 19.4% in Bnei Brak to 88.3% in Tel Aviv-Yafo. Many people marry in their 30s and build good families. Focus on what you want and on meeting people who want a serious relationship too.
Don't wait for perfect
Nobody ticks every box. The question is not whether there are compromises, but whether the things on your first list are there, and whether you are good together. Many good relationships started with "not sure, but let's meet again".
How La'ad helps
La'ad uses the Jewish approach to matchmaking, and anyone can join. You start with a conversation with an AI matchmaker about your values and what you want to build. It suggests one introduction at a time, with a reason. Religious and community matching rules still apply, including no matches between Jewish and non-Jewish members. There is no feed to scroll, and joining is free.
Questions
Where is the best place to look for someone to marry?
Start with people who know you: friends, family and your community. Meet others through shared activities, too. If you use an app, choose one meant for serious relationships.
Is it too late to marry after 30?
No. Many people in Israel marry in their 30s. Among men aged 25 to 29 in Tel Aviv-Yafo, 88.3% have never married. Focus on finding someone who wants the same future.
How do I know what matters to me in a partner?
Think about the life you want: children, where to live, values and daily habits. Write down what you need for that life, then separate it from preferences you can be flexible about.
Want to try a shidduch the La'ad way?
Start with a conversation, then meet one person at a time. Open to everyone, and joining is free.